I turned 40 recently. Funny how a number can suddenly feel heavy, like it\u2019s pressing on your chest, reminding you that life is moving whether you\u2019re ready or not.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I\u2019ve been working in my family\u2019s business since I was 16. That\u2019s 25 years now\u2014almost two-thirds of my life spent in the same company, the same industry, the same routine. Back then, I didn\u2019t think much about choice. In a traditional Chinese family, it was expected: the son would step in, take the reins, carry on the legacy. So I did.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I learned the ropes. Built a reputation. Grew into a role that looked stable from the outside. But what people don\u2019t always see is the undercurrent of tension that runs through every day\u2014especially in a family business.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
My father built the company, and naturally, he has his ways of running it. My sisters have their opinions too. Sometimes, it feels like we\u2019re three captains fighting over the same ship, each steering a different course while pretending we\u2019re headed in the same direction. Meanwhile, I\u2019ve never really had control\u2014at least not the kind that lets me steer my own destiny.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I carry risk as a guarantor for the company. But when it comes to big decisions, I\u2019m often just one voice in a noisy room. I think that\u2019s one of the hardest parts: holding responsibility without having true power.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Over the years, I buried myself in daily tasks\u2014answering emails, solving problems, making sure customers were satisfied. I told myself if I worked hard enough, stayed quiet enough, maybe eventually things would improve. Maybe there would be a moment when the power struggles eased, when the conflict faded.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
But the truth is, they never did.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Two years ago, I got divorced. Part of me still believes the constant stress and chaos of work, the endless mental drain, played a role in that. Since then, I\u2019ve been surviving. Moving forward because there didn\u2019t seem to be any other option. But lately, something has shifted.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Every morning, I wake up feeling tired\u2014like I\u2019m dragging myself out of bed to do something that no longer feels right. If there are no meetings, I stay home to work. It\u2019s quieter there. In the office, people try to push tasks onto me\u2014things they should handle themselves. It frustrates me, drains me, and makes me wonder why I keep showing up.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
These days, I find myself craving solitude more than ever. Maybe it\u2019s an INTP thing. Maybe it\u2019s just age catching up. But the more chaotic the world feels, the more I want to retreat, to sit quietly and let my mind untangle itself without interruption.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Sometimes, I think back to the time I spent with my ex-wife\u2019s uncle, a monk. His quiet wisdom changed me. He taught me about letting go, about how clinging too tightly to anything\u2014legacy, power, reputation\u2014only brings suffering. His words come back to me in moments when I question whether this path I\u2019m on is even worth it anymore.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I\u2019ve started to dream of doing something different. I\u2019ve had this website for almost 10 years, but kept pushing it aside\u2014buried under work, family drama, all the noise that fills life whether you want it or not. Lately, though, I\u2019ve thought about building it into something real. I\u2019ve even thought about starting a YouTube channel. Not sure of the genre yet, but the idea of creating something on my own terms, experimenting with tools like ChatGPT and Sora, feels strangely alive.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
But leaving the family business terrifies me. There\u2019s the fear of money\u2014losing a steady income, security, the safety net I\u2019ve gotten used to. There\u2019s also the fear of reputation\u2014would people in the industry see me as weak? Would I lose the respect I\u2019ve built, even if I suspect that respect comes more from my father\u2019s legacy than anything I\u2019ve actually done? And in a traditional family like mine, the son is supposed<\/em> to stay. To protect the business. To endure.<\/p>\n\n\n\n And yet, when I think about the next five or ten years, I don\u2019t see growth here. I see more of the same: the same arguments, the same conflicts, the same feeling of being trapped. What I want<\/em> is freedom. Space. The chance to make my own decisions, to learn and grow in ways this business no longer offers.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I want to travel\u2014not just to escape, but to observe how other people live. To understand life beyond the bubble of my family and this company. I want to keep chanting and meditating, because those moments remind me there\u2019s more to life than routine and conflict.<\/p>\n\n\n\n But every time I imagine making a change, my mind floods with worst-case scenarios first. Maybe that\u2019s just how I\u2019m wired. Or maybe that\u2019s wisdom\u2014learning to anticipate problems before they show up. Either way, it keeps me standing here at the crossroads, staring down both paths, waiting for something\u2014anything\u2014to push me one way or the other.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I don\u2019t have the answer yet. Maybe I never will. But I do know this: life is only once. And maybe that means, sooner or later, I\u2019ll have to take the risk of building a new path\u2014even if it means leaving everything I\u2019ve known behind.<\/p>\n\n\n\n If you were me\u2014what would you do? Would you stay? Or would you leave, even at 40, to build something truly your own?<\/p>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" At 40, I\u2019m wondering if it\u2019s time to leave the family business I\u2019ve known all my life. Should I start over, chase freedom, or keep holding on? Here\u2019s what it feels like to be stuck at the edge of a choice.<\/p>","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":1728,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"none","_seopress_titles_title":"At 40, Do I Stay or Leave? Reflections From an INTP Stuck at a Crossroads","_seopress_titles_desc":"After 25 years in the family business, I\u2019m questioning everything\u2014work, legacy, health, freedom. Should I start over at 40? Or stay where I am? A quiet reflection from an INTP, Taurus, and overthinker.","_seopress_robots_index":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[68],"tags":[306,309,308,307,311,312,310],"class_list":{"0":"post-1725","1":"post","2":"type-post","3":"status-publish","4":"format-standard","5":"has-post-thumbnail","7":"category-intp","8":"tag-career-crossroads","9":"tag-family-business-struggles","10":"tag-intp-life","11":"tag-midlife-reflections","12":"tag-overthinking-decisions","13":"tag-rebuilding-at-40","14":"tag-taurus-personality"},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/berishiok.com\/zh\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1725","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/berishiok.com\/zh\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/berishiok.com\/zh\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/berishiok.com\/zh\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/berishiok.com\/zh\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1725"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/berishiok.com\/zh\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1725\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1729,"href":"https:\/\/berishiok.com\/zh\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1725\/revisions\/1729"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/berishiok.com\/zh\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/1728"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/berishiok.com\/zh\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1725"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/berishiok.com\/zh\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1725"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/berishiok.com\/zh\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1725"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}